What is this about anyway?

I have been a Deputy Probation Officer for a little over 9 years. The stories here are actual things that either myself or my co-workers heard, saw, or experienced. Enjoy... and be sure to check the archives! OR submit your story in a comment section below one of the entries.. it really does not matter which section. See the 'Got stories' directions on the right side of the blog.


Another jail house poet

"Twas the night before Commissary"

Twas the night before Commissary and all through the jail
the inmates were locked down, nobody had bail.
I was in my cell; the guards they had no mail
Just settled down, wishing for a nice piece of tail.

When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bunk to see what was th ematter.
I ran to the window, hoping for a pass,
tripped over my bunkie and let out some gas.
There before my bloodshot eyes did appear what looked like a transport van, with reindeer?
Then a jolly old fella whipped out a bic,
I knew then and there it could not be St. Nick.
He had request forms and med slips, sweatshirts and mail.
My goodness, what's happening? Aren't we in jail?!
I thought it was Christmas but no, it was not.
It was commissary night- we just forgot!
For the C.O. had boxes and boxes of stuff, full of candy and coffee, surely enough.
But the inmates were hoping for joints and beers, even some treats for the A-Block queers.
'Twas not the night before Christmas after all
as he wailed out of sight with only a call ever so loud so all the inmates could hear:
"Next time when I get here,
have some money on your books if you want my Christmas cheer!"


County Jail Lord's Prayer

This is a copy of a jailhouse Lord's Prayer that was being passed around the Mendocino County Jail... female side. A guard found a bunch of the ladies sitting around reading it and asked about it. One of the inmates kindly obliged and made a copy for the guard. Who knows who actually wrote it... it has been passed around quite a bit I am sure... I left the spelling as is. Enjoy:

"The New Lord's Prayer"
The County is my shepherd I shall not want.
He maketh me lie down in a jail cell and leads me to the still yard.
He givith me my toilet paper; He guides me through the paths of county jail, for his jobs sake.

Yeah, though I shuffle through the hallways of the courthouse,
I fear no judge, for thou transports me.
Thine bars and thy staff, they confine me.
Thou turns on the TV in the presence of my cellmates,
thou alloweth my visitors and brings me my mail.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow when the bondsman brings bail and I don't have to dwell in the county's house forever.



It's not you... it's me.

A DPO friend reported that she had two very interesting Presentence Investigation report interviews today.

In the first interview the defendant told her that she was to blame for him failing on his previous grant of probation. Keep in mind, he was not blaming the Probation Department... he was blaming her in particular.

Apparently the defendant did not think that he failed on the previous grant of probation because he neglected to report to the Probation Department for about a year, he dropped out of his required drug treatment classes, and he got liquored up - drove- and got into an accident in which someone else was injured. That accident then resulted in a new DUI w/injury conviction. But of course... it was all the Deputy Probation Officer's fault and he decided to tell her this during his interview with her.

While heaping the blame upon her shoulders she was patiently sitting there taking notes... because after all... she is the one who will be writing a report recommending his sentence.

The second interview involved the defendant asking her out on a date... During an interview where she is gathering information as to whether she should recommend he go to prison or not. At first she just looked at him... she did not know what he was expecting. The defendant even knew it was weird... he said so... but then asked her out anyway since she won't be his DPO once he's on probation. "Can I please get to know you better?"
Ummmm.....hold on a minute, let me think.
"No. Not happening."


Save that test strip!

A defendant reported to her substance abuse counselor as required, and normally a DPO would think that alone could be considered a success. However, this defendant went to her appointment carrying a brewski. Yes folks... she took a beer with her into the substance abuse treatment program facility. Then when asked to submit a test... she refused.

Probably had no place to set her beer in the testing room.



A 1st Degree Burglary defendant arrives at the Probation Department knowing that his DPO would be requesting a urine sample to see if the defendant had been using drugs/alcohol recently. For those of you who don’t know this, these urine tests (UA tests) must be observed by the officers… real fun part of the job.

Anyway, while in the bathroom the DPO noticed that the defendant seemed nervous and kept trying to turn his back towards the DPO. He was obviously trying to conceal something and with this population you never know what that could be… a firearm, narcotics, knife, who knows. The DPO concerned for his safety directed the defendant to pull his pants down further, which at first the defendant refused to do, after the DPO ordered again to drop his pants to see what he was hiding he found that the defendant had a homemade “whizinator”.

The DPO took the defendant back into his office and ordered him to take a seat. Initially the defendant sat down as directed, but then in a rash moment stood up rather quickly and took a fighting stance with the DPO. No longer in the mood for games, the DPO calmly advised him "I would fuck you up". Another DPO heard the commotion and both DPOs took the defendant into custody without further issue.

When the defendant was being booked at the county jail for this violation, he realized the jig was up so he then went into great detail explaining how he had sprayed foam on his penis and molded it to himself to be more realistic. He also explained how he had placed the tubing inside etc. to enable it to pass urine he had borrowed from someone else. (yuck) He made sure to explain this to several female correctional officers while being booked and seemed quite proud of his accomplishment. He eventually went to prison.


If their mouths are movin...

1. During an interview for a PSI the DPO noted that the defendant had a prior conviction for a Gross Vehicular Manslaughter, has multiple charges for Driving on a Suspended License, and was now facing sentencing for a new DUI conviction. The DPO pointed this out to the defendant and said, "your prior record is terrible." The defendant looked amazed, nodded his head in agreement and said, "ain't that somethin?"

2. During interviews for PSI defendants are asked to identify their race. Many, many defendant's when asked if they are Caucasian, look confused and say , "no, I am white."

3. Another standard question concerns their leisure time activities/or hobbies. One defendant candidly reported that he liked to spend his leisure time "fucking."

4. A defendant was convicted of Felony Evading, etc. He had been chased from Humboldt County to Mendocino County avoiding spike strips and traveling at speeds ranging up to 105 mph. When the CHP officer finally caught up with the defendant she asked him what he was doing and told him he how fast he was going... the defendant (he was not intending to be a smart alec) was surprised and asked, "...is that all?" During interview with DPO, the DPO said, "well, you sure led the officers on quite a long ride, all the way from Humboldt into Mendo."
The defendant grinned and said proudly, "yeah pretty good, eh?" He later stated in inteview he wanted to be a race car driver.

5. As you may know, 18 years of age is (usually) the minimum age for adult court. There was a very young looking man in the in custody seating area in the courtroom. The judge called the matter and apparently the case involved the defendant becoming intoxicated and smashing out a window of a local business and being a general nuisance. The Court, in a gruff voice thinking he was going to make an impression on an 18 year old said... "young man how old are you!". The defendant replied, "21 years old your honor."... The just was just a bit taken back because the defendant was the legal age to consume alcohol.. however the Judge recovered and said, "young man, I think you better lay off the sauce until you can handle it."


Foiled again.. and again.. and again

A defendant carjacked an older gentleman. Wanting to be sure he had plenty of gas to ride around in his new acquisition, the bad guy takes the car to the gas station. This proved to be a source of frustration for the defendant. He pulled up to the pump and realized the tank was on the opposite side of the car... so.. he drove around the pump to the other side. Damn... that tank is still on the other side. So, the defendant got into the car and drove around the tank to the other side. And so on and so on. The bad guy drove in circles around the gas tank four times in an attempt to get it lined up right. Just long enough for the clerk to notice, and call the police.

7 years to think about it... A Parole story

A parolee appears for his weekly UA testing at a local Police Department. The testing takes place in the 'secure' holding area. The Parole Agent observes the parolee attempting to beat the test by concealing a bottle of clean urine in his pants. The parolee is placed under arrest told to remove his shoes and belt. He then provides his own UA sample. The parolee then decides not to stick around. He runs at the 'secure' door, pops it open with his shoulder, and escapes. He was caught several weeks later.

At sentencing, he received 7 years. 3 years for the Escape that was then doubled because he had a prior serious/violent felony. Then you must add on a 1 year enhancement for a prior prison term.

Oh yes... and in case you were curious... the sample he provided to his Parole Agent prior to his escape? It tested clean. Now thats felony stupid!


Stealing while on probation, from the courthouse... on camera.

I had a defendant on probation who was in the courtroom for some reason. He and his girlfriend were no doubt waiting for some other legal issue to be dealt with. He noticed that another person in the audience had a very nice, expensive leather jacket. That person got up from his seat, left the courtroom to use the bathroom, and left the jacket to hold his seat.

What an opportunity!!

My defendant picked up the jacket, while in the courtroom and walked out the door down the hallway with it... all while being filmed by security cameras... waiving it around for his girlfriend to enjoy and then gave it to her to wear. Who said chivalry is dead!

There was no need for CSI on this one.

He called from jail, before he had his VOP hearing and wanted to explain. I said, "ya know what? I don't even want to talk to you that was so damn stupid! You stole from a courtroom while court was in session... you were being filmed the whole time. I have nothing to say to you, you can explain it to the judge."

Not powdering his nose... and worse and worser.

Had a guy who tested positive for cocaine. When he was confronted by his DPO he said he hadn't used any, but he was cutting up his kilo and he had a cut on his finger and it must have gotten into his system that way.

In the middle of a UA test, while the DPO was holding the 'dipstick' in the cup, a female defendant asked her DPO if the sample would test positive because her boyfriend used and they just had sex about an hour before she arrived at the department.

Even worse, a defendant wanting to know if she would test positive. Her boyfriend was using and she engaged in... oral activities with him.

Probation "humor"

1. A defendant’s explanation to his female Deputy Probation Officer as to why he lied to her about his drug usage: “The word on the street is that you’re a real fat bitch.”
This was a clear violation of the POPO law.. don't Piss Off your Probation Officer.

2. When filling out a social history packet in preparation for a presentence investigation report, in the section where it asks for the defendant’s parent's address, the defendant gave the complete address for the cemetery in which they were buried.

3. A defendant was giving excuses as to why he was not complying as ordered. He claimed there were family health issues going on at home and this was causing him stress. He said that his Grandmother was very ill and kept having strokes. In fact, he said that the doctors have told the family that if she has one more stroke they were going to have to put Grandma down.

4. A female defendant took offense to a comment made in her presentence investigation report. She was insulted because the Deputy Probation Officer said that the defendant was not 'sophisticated'. The DPO had to explain (more than once) that if it was determined that she was a 'sophisticated offender' she might have gone to prison because it was an aggravating factor.

5. A defendant called and was asking why he had an outstanding violation of probation. The defendant said he had been staying out of trouble. The DPO paused, and then reminded the defendant that he was calling from the jail and that he had just been arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. He had beaten someone with a chain that had a padlock on the end. (Kinda like a mace)
The defendant’s only reply was … “oh yeah…”

6. These are not my pants!! (Yes... they really do say that)

7. A defendant quickly responds to a pending violation notice to pay his fines and fees. So quickly in fact that he apparently did not have time to put down his beer and sober up. He and his girlfriend arrived at the Probation Department reeking of alcohol. The ride had taken approximately 2 hours from his home to the department and he was probably drinking beer for the entire ride.

The defendant paid his fine at the courthouse and on his trek into the Probation Department to provide proof of that payment, he opted to take a shortcut and scale the retaining wall in front of the building with his rather chunky girlfriend instead of walking along the sidewalk like everyone else.

Always the gentleman, he was assisting his ladyfriend up the wall when he lost his balance and they both fell backwards onto the hood of
his DPO’s car. He and his girlfriend left a huge butt indentation on the hood of the vehicle. The defendant... being a defendant... was not going to fess up to damaging the car and attempted to flee the scene. Fortunately, a contractor working on the house next door saw it all and reported the incident.

8. Probationers are not mathematicians.
A woman who was on probation for stealing $19,000.00 from the welfare system was giving a statement to be included in her child’s juvenile probation report. (Trouble seems to run in the family.) The woman informed the juvenile court that she has
"turned her life around 360 degrees."

Hmmm… Is that a good thing? Doesn't that just mean she is doing the same thing she always did?

10. A DPO reported that this happened in court recently:

The set up: The Judge calls cases and if your not there he sets your file aside and calls it again later. He now is going through stack for second time.

Judge: People versus Smith
(Man walks in courtroom.)

Public Defender: Are you Smith?
Man: No, I'm Witham
Public Defender: OK, where is he?
Man: Where's who?
Public Defender: Smith.
Man: I don't know.
Public Defender: I thought you said you were with him?
Man: I am Witham.
Public Defender: Then where is he?
MAn: Where's who?
Public Defender: Smith.
Man: How should I know?
Public Defender: I thought you said you were with him?
Man: I am Witham.

This went on for several minutes. By the time the Public Defender figured it out,
everyone else was in stitches. Including the judge.

DPO Poetry

Probation won't leave me alone,
boy they sure can be pricks;
but we both know they can't touch me,
'cause I'm on prop 36!

The Meth Freak
(To the tune of Monty Python’s “Lumberjack song”)

I’m a meth-freak, and I’m Okay,
I’m up all night and I sleep for days.
I’ll do a line, I’ll smoke a bowl,
My needles we can share;
I’ve got no life, I’ve got no job,
Thank god I’m on welfare!

I’m a meth-freak, and I’m Okay,
I’m up all night and I sleep for days.
I do my meth, I skip and jump,
I like to scratch my sores.
The meth takes all my money,
So I’ll have to be content with yours!

I’m a meth-freak, and I’m Okay,
I’m up all night and I sleep for days.
I do my meth, I eat my lunch,
If I have real food I’ll choke.
On Wednesdays, I go shoppin’,
And has Cheetos with my coke!

I’m a meth-freak, and I’m Okay,
I’m up all night and I sleep for days.
I do my meth, I lose more teeth,
My trailer is condemned,
My life is one big rat-trap,
At least I’ve got TV!

I’m a meth-freak, and I’m Okay,
I’m up all night and I sleep for days.
I do my meth, it makes me scratch,
I’m old before my time!
Although I just turned 30,
They say I look 99!

I’m a meth-freak, and I’m Okay,
I’m up all night and I sleep for days.
My P.O. made me pee,
Late last night I got busted,
I got to ride a cop-car,
I wish I’d been a pot-head,
Just like my dear Grand-Mar!

(to the tune of "Tie a yellow ribbon")

I'm coming home, I've done my time,
Don’t know what to do with this life of mine.
If you received my letter telling you I would soon be free,
Then you will know what to do,
If you'll still help me.
Doc, I got this aching back and a swollen knee,
I've got so many hurts, will you please help me?
Don't want no job - it ain't the life for me.
I live in a bus,
with my dog named gus,
oh my life is stressing me,
Is there a doc out there willing to help old me?

Oh doctor please help me!
Cause I can't bear the pain deep inside of me.
I'm really still in prison, but dock you still hold the key!
But only the right kind of doc can really set me free!
So he wrote and told me please:

Try a 215 card, you'll feel good you'll see,
Lak a coon-dog feels scratchin' fer a flea!
It'll cure all your ills without takin' pills!
Just stay on the weed, forget about life
& put the blame on me!
Oh, yes a 215 card will set you free!

Now all me friends are cheering,
cause there ain't nothin' wrong with me!
It was all a pack of lies, but cops can't touch me!
Yes try a 215 card and feel good like me!!!

on the serious side:


I was a straight A student

Until the age of fifteen

One year later

I met a lady named Nadine.

She was twenty-nine

Four kids, and one on the way

She introduced me to drugs

And this virgin she did lay.

Several years later

She said I was a slob

Felonies on my record

Now I can’t get a job

I thought that she loved me

But she said she made a mistake

The bitch eventually left me

The kids she did not take

No food in the frig

The rent I can’t pay

No money in my pockets

But the meth is on its way.

I am loving life

I’m getting laid

Nadine’s sixteen-year-old daughter

Loves to get paid.

Excuses excuses...

California 215 Marijuana Card Excuses:

1. I have a 215 card because smoking marijuana helps me sleep. I cannot sleep because of my chronic methamphetamine use and my hyperactivity.

2. When I was an infant I had a hernia surgery.

3. A guy who smoked pot because all the years of using methamphetamine made him paranoid.

4. Stress: this from a 28 yr old w/ no wife, kids, job or school. Lives at home with parents. Said he was stressed from all the methamphetamine he used to do.

5. Athletic competition: I do competition jet skiing, and have a bad back. It helps me loosen up for the big race.

6. Defendant suffers from poor memory and inability to concentrate and smoking weed is "the only thing that helps me with my problem."

7. I smoke marijuana for my asthma.

8. A pregnant woman provided her medical recommendation from her doctor... yes the doctor signed it... that stated she needed to smoke marijuana to help with her nausea.

Reason for receiving disability:

1. I am on disability because have a learning disability and when I play sports I hurt myself.

Hot Mama?

An attractive female defendant claimed she was an exotic dancer. Her DPO asked her how she supported herself when she was pregnant and she stated that she danced at a fetish place for guys who liked pregnant naked women.

Creative writing and sense of fair play for Cops

The set up:
A bunch of deputies go to a house in rural part of the county.
As they approach, they see the bad guy running out the back into an orchard and give chase.

In the report a deputy wrote:
"… I eventually lost site of Smith in the orchard due to his unfair head start and the foggy climate."