Probation "humor"

1. A defendant’s explanation to his female Deputy Probation Officer as to why he lied to her about his drug usage: “The word on the street is that you’re a real fat bitch.”
This was a clear violation of the POPO law.. don't Piss Off your Probation Officer.

2. When filling out a social history packet in preparation for a presentence investigation report, in the section where it asks for the defendant’s parent's address, the defendant gave the complete address for the cemetery in which they were buried.

3. A defendant was giving excuses as to why he was not complying as ordered. He claimed there were family health issues going on at home and this was causing him stress. He said that his Grandmother was very ill and kept having strokes. In fact, he said that the doctors have told the family that if she has one more stroke they were going to have to put Grandma down.

4. A female defendant took offense to a comment made in her presentence investigation report. She was insulted because the Deputy Probation Officer said that the defendant was not 'sophisticated'. The DPO had to explain (more than once) that if it was determined that she was a 'sophisticated offender' she might have gone to prison because it was an aggravating factor.

5. A defendant called and was asking why he had an outstanding violation of probation. The defendant said he had been staying out of trouble. The DPO paused, and then reminded the defendant that he was calling from the jail and that he had just been arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. He had beaten someone with a chain that had a padlock on the end. (Kinda like a mace)
The defendant’s only reply was … “oh yeah…”

6. These are not my pants!! (Yes... they really do say that)

7. A defendant quickly responds to a pending violation notice to pay his fines and fees. So quickly in fact that he apparently did not have time to put down his beer and sober up. He and his girlfriend arrived at the Probation Department reeking of alcohol. The ride had taken approximately 2 hours from his home to the department and he was probably drinking beer for the entire ride.

The defendant paid his fine at the courthouse and on his trek into the Probation Department to provide proof of that payment, he opted to take a shortcut and scale the retaining wall in front of the building with his rather chunky girlfriend instead of walking along the sidewalk like everyone else.

Always the gentleman, he was assisting his ladyfriend up the wall when he lost his balance and they both fell backwards onto the hood of his DPO’s car. He and his girlfriend left a huge butt indentation on the hood of the vehicle. The defendant... being a defendant... was not going to fess up to damaging the car and attempted to flee the scene. Fortunately, a contractor working on the house next door saw it all and reported the incident.

8. Probationers are not mathematicians.
A woman who was on probation for stealing $19,000.00 from the welfare system was giving a statement to be included in her child’s juvenile probation report. (Trouble seems to run in the family.) The woman informed the juvenile court that she has "turned her life around 360 degrees."

Hmmm… Is that a good thing? Doesn't that just mean she is doing the same thing she always did?

10. A DPO reported that this happened in court recently:

The set up: The Judge calls cases and if your not there he sets your file aside and calls it again later. He now is going through stack for second time.

Judge: People versus Smith
(Man walks in courtroom.)

Public Defender: Are you Smith?
Man: No, I'm Witham
Public Defender: OK, where is he?
Man: Where's who?
Public Defender: Smith.
Man: I don't know.
Public Defender: I thought you said you were with him?
Man: I am Witham.
Public Defender: Then where is he?
MAn: Where's who?
Public Defender: Smith.
Man: How should I know?
Public Defender: I thought you said you were with him?
Man: I am Witham.

This went on for several minutes. By the time the Public Defender figured it out,
everyone else was in stitches. Including the judge.